Don’t stay in that Valley

Hey shugars, how we doing?

I did some clean up of my drafts last week and deleted all except two posts. Some had being there since 2016 fam! I kinda got bored with them mocking my laziness. Maybe I  shouldn’t have deleted them. I have itchy fingers sometimes. That’s how I deleted my first blog and later regretted doing so.

Anyway, One of the posts I deleted was on something about suicide rates among doctors. I had started it after reading a robust article on Washington Post about the high suicide rates among doctors in the US. The researcher also a doctor, started looking into it when the number of colleagues she knew that had died from suicide started increasing. She started taking data, contacting co workers and families of those who had died and contacting those who also survived. The article was loaded and informative in its own way. Find it here.

Maybe, I might share the thoughts I had on that some other time.

Random: I got to find out Doctors in Anaesthesia (my specialty had the highest rates)

In the news this week were suicides of two famous /popular people. Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. I didn’t really know either of them, though I had watched Anthony a few times. They were in the category one would say are doing well for themselves and got life going well, with one being a designer and the other an international chef/media personality.

As usual I saw a number of posts on my social media feeds about looking beyond the mask, reaching out to people, listening more to people, If you’re depressed and going through something talk to someone etc etc.

Many years ago a close friend and I were talking, regular talk and it took a curve and went personal and she started telling me how she had suicidal thoughts and all and hope she had somehow managed it and was getting off that wagon. I was not comfortable with the conversation. My first thoughts were this girl is a joker. Cos I felt the reasons she had those thoughts were baseless and not deep enough to think of killing herself. She had a loving family, was doing great academically, her spiritual radar was lit, money was not an issue for her….. As in life was going well, so great for her as a year 3 student as she was then. I just didn’t gerrit. That day, I sincerely didn’t have much to tell her(especially as I already had a “this one no know wetin to worry her life about”  mentality about what she had just shared), I just sat and listened and allowed her talk and talk she did.
Looking back maybe all she needed that day was someone to listen without judging her (even if in my mind I had been doing just that).
We left that place closer and better friends.
Even though not immediately,  I got to understand her and some of her life needs better.

Some years later, another friend called me crying and talking of how she had just wanted to kill herself. Ha! I was angry and pissed with her. Like, what yeye reason do you want to kee yourself for bla bla bla. Cos what she was talking about, to me no reach to kee yasef. I still hadn’t learned any lesson obviously. I sha just called our mutual Pastor friend and told him and left him to do most of the talking.

 

Fast forward to a few years ago when it got personal.
I was going through a phase and just needed someone to really talk to. I spoke to a friend, and this was how the convo went
T : I want to see a shrink.. I need to just talk to someone that isn’t in my life directly.
B: For what??? When you have the Holy Ghost in you.
That and the tone it was said in, made me recoil and that was how the conversation ended.
T : (thinking in my head) I’m not even Christian enough sef. I can’t talk to Holy spirit. I can’t talk to human being. Lemmi manage myself.

I remember vividly the period my thoughts journeyed and journeyed towards suicide. Do you know how you’re thinking about something and can’t believe you have gotten to that point? I couldn’t believe, I Tamunomiebaka had strolled to this valley. It was unreal yet very real. Like a flashback those two scenarios of years ago of my two close friends crossed my mind. I understood how people who looked like they had it all under control got to similar points. Cos to the ordinary eye I was doing life well.

You see, sometimes people might be going through stuff but don’t know how or who to share it with and have so much pressure from the life circle they find themselves.

I don’t know about others but I grew up in a setting that allowed only basic and superficial conversations, not deep or personal conversations or real feelings sharing. So I used to be very uncomfortable with those kind of stuff, I was uncomfortable sharing mine and uncomfortable hearing other people’s.
Later I became comfortable with listening to others, but still walked about with a full chest.
Years of Learning to unburden myself helped me climb out and walk away from that valley.

 

There are two areas I feel treading leads to healing when one gets to those low moments
– Acknowledging and Learning to talk/share/communicate sincere feelings
– Learning to shake off the hold of society expectations from you or a current situation

Learning to unburden myself helped me climb out and walk away from that valley.
I’ve learned to be sincere with my self about how I truly feel (took me a long while to get here)
I’ve learned to sincerely share with some gems God has placed in my life as friends
And, yeah I’ve learned to talk to the Holy Spirit.
I’ve learned and I’m still learning not to let mine and society’s expectations crush me. The society we live in today is something else.

On sharing sincerely
* It could be as simple as just writing your true thoughts and feelings down. Have you ever tried this? I feel lighter whenever I do this. Initially when you read what you have written, a part of you can’t believe you’ve written that down, but you read it again and suddenly you’re just lighter.
I find out that when I write down something I’ve never voiced before and read it, I can now voice it. And it doesn’t have so much hold anymore.

*It could be sharing with someone you’re comfortable with.
A friend. Parent. Mentor. Colleague. Psychologist. Physician.
Knowing who to share with can be a challenge sometimes though (don’t share with people like the old georgina me)
A part of me will even say don’t be in a hurry to share with others till you’ve learned to share with yourself.

*It could also be by sharing with God.
This can either be in writing or by talking..whichever suits you.
There were times I used to think that this was one-sided and not werking as I wanted. But I got to learn better. God hears, listens and also shares just like I do. It’s quite beautiful.
I don’t know of everyone believes this, but there is a devil (and his minions) who constantly prey on people in different ways. But there is also a God! There is also the Trinity who has defeated the devil!! So I choose not to let the nincompoop prey on me.

 

On shaking off expectations
Truthfully, sometimes it’s not only society’s expectations, our own expectations too become hindrances.
Firstly I’ve come to acknowledge that
1. MY life is a gift
2. A gift given to ME
3. I need to know and have a personal relationship with the one who gave me this gift, who made it possible for me to be breathing
4. Except the expectations of my creator every other person’s is secondary
5. The one who gave me this awesome gift (my life) will surely know and would want to show me how to handle this gift (life) I have.

With that established, I start asking myself questions when faced with an expectation.
What do I want in this area of my life?
Why do I want it?
What do I do of it doesn’t pan out as I want?
How will it make me feel?
Why will I feel this kind of way about this thing?
Will this make me happy?
Do I like this or am I doing this for uwanile?
Is my whole life essence based on this?
You know you won’t live forever abi?
You know this life is temporary? A phase. So do I want to spend this whole phase feeling this way?
These and other related questions I ask myself, depending on what mine or society’s expectations of something or area is, and it helps me reduce the pressure.

Be intentional about getting out of the valley of depressions and all other forms of negativity. Reach out to someone, to help or be helped.

 

Bubbles of love

Tamie

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17 thoughts on “Don’t stay in that Valley”

  1. True. We grew up having only shallow conversations and it was funny how a friend I made in the UK couldn’t understand how I just would refuse to go deep with her. But we must learn to move past our shallowness. We must. Thanks babes

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I applaud you. This must not have been an easy post to write. I’m reserved. I can be boisterous. Lots of people are drawn by the sound of my laughter but even then, I’m reserved. I chronicled my own journey on my blog in my 2015 and 2016 review stories and honestly I applaud you some more for articulating what I thought but better expressed. I’m grateful you did not go through with the suicidal thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So many will be encouraged by your sharing… even if it’s just to know they are not alone…or that it is ok, even normal to be a Christian and still be human enough to get depressed.
    I am so glad God found a way to reach you for Himself. He loves you, Tamie!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Such a moving post! Mental wellbeing is such a neglected issue and that is part of the reason why people refuse to have real conversations beyond small talks. Every other person is dealing with this, yet we all roam around in masks of so-called ‘normalcy’.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Sometimes we go through hard times in life and the thoughts slowly creep in, but being positive and communicating with someone can really go a long way. Wonderful Post!!

    Liked by 1 person

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